"Integration"
by Krysta Gibson, March 1988

          A friend of mine was berating herself recently because no matter how hard she tried or how many times she "released the past" she found herself still being pulled into feelings and memories she thought had been left behind. I think all of us have responded deeply to the injunction of living in the "now," "forgiving and forgetting" the past if we want to live the spiritual life fully and meaningfully. I also think that very few people have, in fact, released the past even though we may think we have done so successfully.

          It is most difficult, actually impossible, to release a bird from one's hand if one is not holding a bird. It is also impossible to release a past one does not have in one's possession. In order to release events and people from our past, we must first "have" them to release.

          Although I have been using the term "release," I don't believe that we let go of the past; I believe we integrate it and use it as a precious pan of who we are. I think a lot of us respond to the concept of letting go of the past because we don't want to deal with it and if we can find a way to get rid of it without having to deal with it, we'll try any technique to do so. But, we can let go as many times as we want and, unless we have integrated our past experiences, they will remain even if they are effectively hidden from us.

          I believe that the past, present and future co-exist as who we are. Who I am right now is the result of everything which has gone before this moment. This moment contains everything within my experience which forms my future. I couldn't get rid of my past if I wanted to — it is part of who I am as a person, is a Soul. What I can do. though, is befriend my past, understand her, love her and integrate her. When I can do this, the past is no longer a haunting obsession which owns me and sabotages or warps my present or my future. Instead, it becomes a very rich and resourceful part of my life from which I draw wisdom, comfort, guidance and a feeling of deep spiritual connectedness.

          In my humble opinion, 99 percent of the people on this planet were born into dysfunctional families. I like to leave one percent as an optimistic figure that someone, somewhere was born and raised in a "functional" home. If we arc willing to face it, we have to admit that this is a dysfunctional planet so why should we be surprised that the family units are not the perfect Leave It To Beaver ideal we like to think they are. What is also true is that the degree of dysfunction varies within families as much as it does within individuals, so not everyone grew up or is growing up in a severely dysfunctional home. Very few of us can say we were born into a home where we were truly wanted as the special and unique entities we were rather than to fulfill someone else's needs and expectations, where our parents were functioning as nature, self-actualized adults who could give us the unconditional love and guidance we craved, where absolutely no "mistakes" were made, where we had the optimal conditions to grow into whole, healthy human beings. I say this with confidence because if a lot of people did have this experience, we would not see the massive materialism, greed, powerlessness, violence and addictions that we do see ail around us and inside us.

          If I am right, this also means that all of us have pasts within this lifetime that have the potential of making our present and our future somewhat grim. It is at this point that some people take strong issue with these concepts thinking that what is being said is that our parents are bad people who did a bad job of raising us. This causes a feeling of defensiveness, especially if one is a parent oneself. I don't see it that way. From the spiritual perspective, I see what is happening on planet earth as part of the evolution of the human species. Lots of parts of our current evolution aren't pretty to look at or deal with. Denying them for that reason is not helpful. I see society's recognition of its own dysfunction as very positive and as the next step in our growth. A situation unrecognized can not be changed. One seen for what it is, accepted and dealt with can be changed, I believe those consciously pursuing their spiritual unfoldment are charged with being an active part of this process.

          The most common response within some New Age circles to these ideas is to bring love, light, and forgiveness to our past and then release it, knowing everyone concerned was doing their best and certainly no intentional harm was aimed at us. If we have been hurt by the past, it was not intentional and therefore merely needs the salve of forgiveness and release. After all, it's in the past anyway. So. out comes the sage and cedar, the crystals and candles, and releasing after releasing is done in good faith, with serious intent to get on with one's "now." And, after a day or so (at best) of feeling lighter and more centered, we find, again, things in our lives just aren't working like we wish they would and there is a gnawing feeling of unrest, of despondency, that we can't get a handle on. Maybe we just need to learn now to control our thoughts better and not be so negative? Maybe we are associating with the wrong people, energy suckers, who arc holding us back? Maybe we're under psychic attack? Maybe Mercury is retrograde again? Maybe we're experiencing the dark night of the soul? Maybe we're being "tested" by higher forces? Maybe. But maybe we have unintegrated parts of ourselves which are still trying to get our attention and instead of releasing them we need to embrace them.

          As far as the idea of intentional versus unintentional harm goes, if someone accidentally runs into a car without the intention of harming it, does that mean the car isn't damaged? Simply because parents', teachers', and society's structure in general may not be intentionally aimed at causing low self-esteem, co-dependency. self-hatred or a myriad of other personality disorders, [it] doesn't mean these things do not exist within us and need our attention rather than our denial.

          When we are infants the entire universe revolves around us, we do not have the ability to differentiate "me" and "them." We experience everything as if it were a part of ourselves. Although I do believe we bring experience with us when we are born. I also believe that, at the human level, we cannot access it or understand it when we are children unless we were fortunate enough to be birthed into a home where such memories were encouraged; such homes were and are very rare. And, even in those homes, it would be a very unlikely child who would be able to make mature, conscious decisions about what was happening in her or his life. So, effectively, we are physiological, mental, psychic, and emotional tape recorders taking in everything around us as if it were us. By the time we begin school we are, in effect, programmed and continue to act on the program while having it expanded and reinforced unless something or someone intervenes. We are also not conscious that this is happening.

          Depending on the severity of the dysfunctionality we grow up in, anywhere from a little bit to a whole lot of what happens is merely absorbed into us without the benefit of sorting, analyzing, or understanding. In some instances, it is possible to not even have memories of it or to alter the memories to more pleasant and acceptable ones we can live with. If our pasts are of such a nature that they are interfering with current day functioning and if we were not fully present when the past was taking place, do we have the past in our possession to release? I don't think so. It is so intertwined into our persona that, unless we look for it, we can't even know that it is there and operating. We can release all we want and it is still there because we don't have it to release. And I am not just talking about childhood issues either. I'm talking about that relationship last year. If, while in that relationship we were acting on prior programs we didn't know were there, then we also were not present and don't have anything in our possession to release.

          What on earth does all this have to do with leading the spiritual life, with experiencing God/ess realization, with evolving into what some call "Fourth dimensional consciousness?" Everything. At my current level of understanding and ability to articulate that understanding, in order to be living in the place of alignment with our Higher Selves, our Soul identity, in order to be able to love from a place of inner peace, in order to love unconditionally, in order to evolve to our fullest potential, we must be able to live as integrated and "current" beings. The actual process of the integration and then the living of it in our daily lives is our spiritual path. We can't zoom to the stars when we're walking hip deep in mud. We can't give from the deepest parts of ourselves when we don't know where they are and have not experienced them. We can't love one another when we haven't experienced true self-love and acceptance. And we can't love ourselves if we don't even know who we are.

          I share with many others a vision of the "New Age" when humanity evolves to a state of continual love and peace on this planet with respect and nurturance for all forms of consciousness found here. I also share with many others the belief that this cannot happen when the humans living here are fragmented entities walking around without a clue as to who they are or why they are here.

          I think the most important single action any of us can take to bring forth our dreams of the New Age is to let go of the glitter and the empty promises and work on our own lives to become integrated people living in a now we are familiar with, deeply intimate with — ourselves. There, I believe, lies our future, the fulfillment of the dream of experienced oneness with the Divine Presence within, and the quickening of our experienced oneness with the Divine Presence around us. And we can keep using our sage and cedar, our crystals and candles, but, instead of using them to erase parts of ourselves which aren't erasable, we use them to welcome all of who we are and to celebrate the uniqueness of our own experience — past, present and future.