Christopher's Personal Hooey Page

About Gender & Sexuality

          Note: some of this gets a little heady -- after all, I'm compressing quite a bit of perception into a very small space - They don't call me a space engineer for nothing -- especially after seeing my place, and how much I can pack into a small space! But if you'll bear with me, I promise you a bottom line -- and no lace. ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh
          I prefer the yin/yang model of masculine/feminine to most anything the western mind has developed for illustrating and quickly lending understanding of overall health in nature. There are charts showing just about every thing, action, food, and attribute (of anything) classified as either internalizing (yin/female) or externalizing (yang/male) to various or specific degrees. Using this model, I will describe how I see/believe/feel the process of our balancing our genders and their natures. I also refer much to the emotional body, to distinguish this part of our selves from the physical body, the mental body, and the etheric body (using the common metaphysical model of four bodies). When I speak of "the Emotional Body" here, I refer to the emotional body of a/our community or society as a whole.
          NOTE: Ok, maybe that was a test But if you got your mind around that one without effort you'll have no problem with the rest of this section. If not, but you're still interested, just read the whole thing through, not worrying about the small stuff, and by the 2nd time through things will make sense. Otherwise, or it's late and your brain is tired, just skip to the "Strong Sensitive Male" section for now and come back later :-)

          The balancing or "Rounding out" of the Emotional Body for men is not necessarily a "feminization" of it, although it usually isn't a "masculinization" - at least since the pagans and Wonder Woman was in charge, anyway. And still, that doesn't prevent being protective - when it's actually needed. Before The 1960's, men were primarily developed only in the yang (or male) side of the Emotional Body. Whereas women were already developed somewhat in both the yin (or feminine) and yang, although they were rarely given permission by society to express the yang aspect very much. This gave reason for women and men both to realize and communicate that women were more gifted or capable than men in many ways (particularly in the areas of communication and interpretation, many realms of body awareness, intuition, and other right-brain and cross-brain related capacities).
          The '60's era provided the beginnings of a great rounding of the Emotional Body, and women took much greater advantage of this permission. As it stands now, I believe that women (in the West, at least) have rounded the emotional body to a great extent, although the permission to express all of that rounding is still lagging behind. Men (in the West), on the other hand, have advanced only somewhat, and I'd estimate that on average, the rounding for them is represented by two events, that of decreasing (the communication of) the yang aspect (due to feeling the sting of the hand being slapped), while only increasing the yin marginally. Even so, we have created a much more healthy "leading edge" of men, who are fairly well balanced in both aspects, while retaining an appropriate balance for their physical body. So far the visibility of these men as role models for society is in the subtle range, but hopefully will grow more and more effective.
         This may come as a shock to some, but before the 60's, there weren't too many people that looked at history and saw anything but conquering and colonizing as the main means of world change - besides a great periods of Art interspersed here and there. Since the sixties, we've been enjoying seeing ourselves as "the good guys," while we politely sneer at the British and French and all before them as colonialists.

Well, in actuality, there hasn't been much change except our gradually increasing guilt about conquering and colonization. We've still been DOING the same thing - just calling it something else (something about "freedom"). Like any *power,* testosterone also has a good purpose or two. But putting one's foot down doesn't have to mean stomping someone just because you can (or waving a flag while you're doing it). But first things first when it comes to evolution, right? Of course at this rate, it's going to be a few hundred years before the average person is disgusted at the notion of conquering a nation to get it's "needs" met at the time they're in "need" (did you notice the quotes on that one? ok, good ).

NOTE: You may have noticed by context, that when I use the term "evolution" at this website, I am not referring the physical level as we generally consider it.
         I have known and/or worked with a varied array of (genetically and orientationally varied) folks, some of whose questions or comments motivate this section. For myself, experimenting with the gender aspects other than the appropriate psychological rounding as alluded to above -- particularly via surgery or even glandular therapies -- is just not my idea of a good time. But that is perhaps because I am fortunate enough that my body and mind are more or less congruent, as well as healthy. Overall, I believe in the need for balance in all things (at least eventually), there's my views on body-mind-spirit integration. But here's goes my own notions on revamping "the hardware":
          The balanced Physical Body has some critically different roles than does the balanced Emotional Body. Given the different genitalia of the opposite genders, in spite of the growing realization of the need for rounding out of the emotional body, the balancing of the physical body for any one gender has much more to do with integration of various (and note: naturally installed) glandular systems as appropriate to that gender, than it does adapting the given systems or changing them (via surgery or "hormone therapy") so as to imitate the roles and/or nature of the opposite gender. And as I believe there are at least one or two exceptions to most any rule...
          The primary exception to the above, I believe, regard when there is an obvious cross-gender nature inherent in an individual due to genetic makeup. secondarily, I think it's fine for others to experiment with various systems in the universe, including their own physical body and it's uses, certainly if that is the purpose of their life stream in a particular lifetime -- provided their doing so does not cause harm, burden, or dysfunction to/in the overall "spiritual plan" for the universe (and overall, I believe most of them are very similar), to a sustainable healthy planetary bio-social human system, or to other individual living beings, etc.
          Ok, so if you're brain didn't catch fire on that, then you might be able to survive being around me when I go to yabbering on some theory (or extrapolation of facts) at any given moment.

"The Strong Sensitive (straight/heterosexual) Male"

          Let's see, if the above hasn't already given you a good idea of some prerequisites for appropriately balanced male and female energies, you might want to read up on the the Kiersey Personality typing system), and in particular on the personality types INFJ and INFP, and then consider what these might look like in a male. Does that imply that ALL sensitive males are INFJ's or INFP's? I doubt it's quite that well locked in - but my intuition says there may be benefit in checking that out. I'd guess these two types have far more difficult a time covering up sensitivity than any other category of men that have been studied (their having singled out the straight men in all above considered groups, since that is what women are apparently finding to be so rare, valuable, and to be sought after).

I tried the Marine Corps thing when young, but that was actually more out of blind naivete, desire to please, and the influence of my brothers, not to mention being from Oklahoma. (Ok, be nice, y'all ) Once cured of a certain amount of blindness... (there's more on that on the Political Page and on one called "Questions for Disillusionment") ... the increased capacity to listen and pay attention (oh yeah, and my oldest brother had sent me a very instructive woman back when I was in the service, but moving on... ) I'd say the circumstances of my up-bringing (that I mentioned in the "about me" section above) had a strong effect. Plus, my early psychology and spiritual studies ('74-'79) also helped prepare me for openness to the information I received in a class that I begrudgingly attended on "feminism" (in 1982 or so -- and in Oklahoma no less).

As activist in ’84 (32yo), & drumming for 3000 GI's Killed in Iraq (1’06)

        Yup, all my homophobia was up for that class, but my political activist friends assured me for days it wasn't about becoming gay ;-O (Well, Okie ex-marines need lots of convincing at first.)  ¹   And about this same time I was doing in-depth studies in Herbs and Nutrition and came across those yin/yang charts I mentioned above (regarding the acid/alkaline balance aspect). Well, I tend to see (and interrelate) analogies, metaphors, and various developed systems of correlation fairly readily, so eventually, the "as above - so below" (Spirit-Mind-Body) thing on the balance of male and female energies had to sink in some time. Did I just esotear you out? (ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!). Well now I'm talking about the integration of my emotional body (not just the mental concept match-making thing) - That part came along very late (1985+)... I could talk about the more painful lessens that more or less force one to learn, but I won't go there here (go here there?) except to say I've learned much in that way as well (apparently goes with the territory of a straight male massage therapist whose clientelle includes a high percentage of politically and/or spiritually progressive women and men, and in Seattle). But then (my saying that) could be just more ego stroking, and proof would be in the pudding
          So am I calling myself a "strong sensitive male"? I'm not talking about being "so sensitive", but about being emotionally aware. Well, some days I'm not so strong, it feels, but I have always hated the idea of giving up, so maybe I'm just tough -- except for the pain part, or is it because of the pain awareness part? Do you realize there's a whole society built on the "no pain, no gain" thing? Ok, of course you do, but what you probably did not realise is that there just might be a much more all-inclusive, more balanced, more healthy perspective based on Body-Mind Psychology. But isn't pain just part of one's being aware, and of doing one's best to stay aware in this world of growing pains, even when some parts of one don't want to grow anymore? And yes, there are other things to focus on besides pain, let alone writing an essay on it. But here we are talking about sensitivity... there is a relationship, right? ok... And, these things are also related to a therapist's energy levels and burnout.  ³
          On the other hand...
          Ok, now if you claim you've always wanted one of those strong "sensitive males," ... well, please try to notice whether or not a part of you might be tagging something onto that. That is, a desire for one "who's sensitive about me and my needs only, and let's not be 'whiners,' and have feelings about other peoples' needs, including those we don't even know." If this is going on, then you do not really want a strong "sensitive male." You may want someone to tend mainly to your inner princess. On the other hand I love nurturing and spoiling in various ways and more than just on occasion, but just not for the ego's sake. (I think that's at least six or seven hands by now, and you're probably getting this image - there's this God/Goddess called Shiva with all these arms... )           [And yes, every women, like every man, has an ego -- it usually just hides or displays differently than a man's does. Proof would be yours if that last statement bristled your attachment to believing otherwise. Really. No, I'm not kidding! heheheheheh... Not to worry, my inner psychologist is into the Gestalt Perspective, and Body-Parenting. So, even if you would be around me (as a partner or potential partner) when that (therapist) part of me does pop out, you'd be safe from judgement. Because (since you wouldn't be a client) it wouldn't emerge, except for when working on myself (and I let you witness that), or if you ask for instruction about how you approach something within yourself - on your own, or if I'm profiling some political situation or related person. The point being, I'm very accepting of feelings (negative or positive, APPROPRIATELY EXPRESSED) as I would expect my good friends or a partner to be.]

To TOP LINKS  Section

How does a man massage women professionally?
(It's one of those questions a few guys have occasionally asked me, leading me to suspect other folks would like to ask too.)

Quick Answer: "Professionally."
Long Answer:

Introductory Note:
          I'm not a teacher on the subject, but from my experience (since '83) I will try to cover a few common areas of question and/or misconception. Someone has to try, right? My learning in these realms has sometimes been difficult. For this reason and for the edification (as needed) of other current and potential therapists, I developed a rather sophisticated list of considerations (available for professionals and instructors of such). This has to do with the most challenging situation variables that the massage therapist may encounter. Based on these, and put in layperson's language (although some of it may sound a bit esoteric to the average person), I wrote "Questions for Boundaries." This (affirmation-based) exercise was developed to also be instructive when simply read to get helpful information, and so is also useful for non-therapists who have challenges in regard to boundary issues. It might also have been called "Advanced Techniques in Unlearning Co-Dependency." More considerations may be found an essay written from a view both naturopathically and spiritually inclined, Compassion, Healing, and The Practitioner -- and Detouring "Burn-out". For a thorough list of resources on the subject (which may or may not include the above) you would want to use your web-search engines [you might try these keywords: boundary issues, transference, counter-transference] and/or check in with one of your local massage schools. There's also a note below on energy levels and burn-out,  ³   and one in the section above on pain.

But to address the particular question above:
          Let's be honest. The implied question (from a guy's perspective) is more about "not doing" than doing, right? Hence, the key must be in one's FOCUS: One doesn't "not do" something with very much skill (e.g.: that pink elephant thing: the harder you try not to see it, the more you can't help but see it). And we use "draping" of course, but in any case, and since I am not blind... Early in my practice I was simply thrilled just to be able to do this work and even get paid for it - of course it's very rewarding to make people feel better, and they say very nice things to you, and so on. Anyway, early on I was generally so focused on making sure I was using the right technique and covering all the basic bases, etc. Later, when I realized I was probably one of the more skilled therapists (and I guess so my mind might wander at times) I would, when being "tempted," I would *will* the focus to be on other things that I am very interested in, i.e.: health, psychology, nutrition, technique, intuitive aspects, spiritual aspects. These are the things I've always written a lot about since '77 or so, so realms are of thought come pretty readily, and especially when I'm doing my work.
          And besides this, my senses (those that a massage therapist will develop after so many years - from sensory to empathic), are always feeding me information that I enjoy integrating with such as the above aspects. That includes how the client's muscles and tissues feel to my touch as well as how they sense my touch, on how they move, and how they relate and communicate to/with each other, or how, when, where they don't do this (Yes, this is actually quite an interesting thing to many massage therapists -- and this provides the 'body' part of my Body-Mind psychology writings, after all ! :-)
          That doesn't mean I don't have emotions, an imagination, and a mix of active hormones to tend with. And a massage therapist is taught to consciously monitor his/her feelings. We couldn't be "Present" with the client if we denied them. Compared to the stereotypical male,  ¹   the male therapist just "puts things on hold" for awhile. It's not that mysterious really - I'm not celibate, never have been by choice.  ²   And I'll be the first to tell you I'm not a saint. Yet, it does take a sense of priority, honesty, and some integrity, of course, and maybe even some very conscious effort and practice at first -- or when the situation is particularly "testy." While I'm fond of the quote, "No sainthood without temptation," my advice is, when a woman is on the table, try to do two things: 1) shoot for sainthood and yet, 2) do not let her put you on a pedestal. A bit of a tightrope maybe but that's my advice, because falling off that pedestal can make you think pretty deeply for awhile - and not because you sat serenely to contemplate philosophy.
          One of the interesting aspects in the interaction of massage therapist and client, or between ANY two people touching each other actually, is that sensuality is a subjective experience. The intention of the applicator can sometimes have little significance (as relates to sensuality) on what is felt by the applicatee. Let me put that plainly: With some people I could (for the sake of example to get my meaning across) try to be sensual but, for various reasons, it may not be felt as sensual. Or, conversely, I can be just doing my technique thing for circulation and/or release of contracted musculature, etc, and it may be felt as sensual. It's something massage therapists do their best to maintain clarity on -- without undue focus, lest we cause the client to have undue focus on this. Interesting species we are!
          Now there's the question of how to do gluteal muscles (yup, you know, the rumps). I suggest being a great communicator with a good sense of humor if you're going to do these more than the amount taught in Washington massage schools whose teachers have pretty much become paranoid about teaching such things. Not that the gluteal and rotator muscles arent' some of the largest, thickest, deepest, and most complex and essential muscles in the human body or anything. Not that achieving for these muscles the same as you'd achieve for any other muscle might be essential in preventing lumbar disk and sacro-illial ligament injury - the most common types of low back injuries, and those that lead to further debilitating complications.
          Ok, now, if you're a male massage therapist, and fancy yourself as a strong sensitive straight male... You should know that state licensing authorities generally enforce their regulations via an "administrative" hearing *without a jury*. That means it's you and your lawyer (if you use one) against two people who work for the state. That's the lawyer for the complainant who gets to say pretty much whatever s/he wants to, and the judge who makes the decision. Ok, three to two, counting the complainant who might not even have to be there. And did I say there was no jury? Did I mention anything yet about "conflict of interest" or political influence? Well, think about who works in state governments and where the bias might be if personalities were to have a lapse in objectivity now and then. And I'm not talking about color. I've heard, actually from a lawyer experienced in such things, of cases coming before such state hearings that would never come before a civil court. That includes "he said, she said" cases. And that lawyers who can't succeed on their own often become lawyers for state administrative court systems (the ones without juries, remember), and even get to call themselves "Assistant Attorney Generals."
          From that same lawyer, I've also heard about statements that a judge can add in his decision that will make it extremely unlikely that any appeals process will be heard, let alone succeed. Oh, and did I mention anything about the possible bias/prejudice of state employees and related politics, given no jury being present (including by gay lawyers who go along with the belief that straight males should never practice in health care)? I know of one good person who's been pretty much ruined, having had his license revoked due to these things. I'm talking about his reputation thence relationships, finances thence retirement, and not to mention vocation thence related capacity to contribute to society - although he's prolific in his creativity in this regard. He's wasn't the type to take advantage - but one to give advantage. He would have been the type, however, to attract a gal who needed a "safe" target for her suppressed anger. And in his case, the Assistant Attorney General was appalling in his demeanor. His exaggerated discounting of the facts of the matter increased with each repetition, and to the extent that, in his final summary, it drew amazement to the point of actual laughter on the part of the lawyer of the accused, while the judge looked on and said nothing. He did glare at the laughter, even though it was so spontaneous (and quickly suppressed with some embarrassment), that it surprised both the the accused and his otherwise flawlessly professionally behaved lawyer. Nowadays the massage therapist is a bit paranoid and for understandable reasons.
          Ok, so what that means for you: until you've developed some very good gut feelings about people, be very careful about who you get on your table, and consider having someone else, preferably a female associate that knows you fairly well, in the office nearby.

 

Footnotes


           ¹... Which I most likely am not (the stereotypical male) certainly given all the above statements, which I don't hear from most of the males I've ever known. But I am straight w/ no experience to the contrary & no desire for any. Why advertise in Seattle Gay News? For one, I advertise to reach the most PEOPLE (affordably) who can benefit from my services -- Regardless of their Race, Creed, Gender & other Genetic Related Aspects, or Lifestyle, so long as that lifestyle is not harmful to others. ² I don't respect bigotry or reverse-bigotry (or any other form of less-making, hate, enforced ignorance, revenge) -- in Seattle that can refer to some interesting attitudes. Maybe I'm just too idealistic ? And besides, most of my regular clients are gay men and they are among the finest people I know. I've also been told by some gay men that with me there is an advantage - not just because I'm not homophobic, but with a straight massage therapist they don't have to worry about being approached sexually. Which fact I've learned (perhaps sadly) will surprise a lot of people, gay as well as straight, at least among those who don't in Seattle or large diverse metropolitan areas.

           ² My beliefs align with that of Vajrayana Buddhism , with the partial exception having to do with *therapeutic* release of emotion (as per Humanistic Psychology). And it's only a partial exception. Hint: my views resonate with the Vajrayana system in that it employs the 'vehicle' of relationship - and related activities and emotions - as a vehicle for enlightenment. (That doesn't mean everything is work, that joy and wonder and bliss can't be essential parts of a relationship. I wouldn't mind them being 90% of the deal! But in ANY case...) This system definitely attributes equal opportunity to the highest spiritual states/development regardless of sexual orientation. But as with most schools of Buddhism, it tends to teach 'control' of emotions (albeit an optimal form of such) vrs the therapeutic release of emotions. Well, I'm not quite there yet.
         However, to the degree one involves Vajrayana nature with one's partner (short of the full practice of Vajrayana, that is), the empathic capacities are drawn on and enhanced to a very high degree. Hence, for me, there is developed an increasing internal awareness of and appreciation for the nature of my partner with all the attendant issues of her gender and related roles, etc. In essence, I measure benefit of any spiritual practice, and how I'm doing on a given day, with the degree of compassion it instills, not in number or degree of powers or insights (psychic or otherwise), of material blessings or acknowledgments, of spiritual friends and associates, of visits by/with spiritual celebrities, nor even the number of genders I can make love to. Which introduces this next little part.
         My other disagreement is with certain (few?) of the Vajrayana students who believe that *total* androgyny - including sexual practice - is the only real way to spiritual liberation (!). God bless for whomever that works (ie: brings them happiness & enlightenment), but for me that just rings of spiritual elitism. ie: Does that belief also require (for spiritual transcendance) the absolute development of all aspects of the brain as well, thereby requiring the eventual development of multiple-genius capacities ? (Not that either one indicates "perfection" -whatever that is- but y'know, there's all kinds of fundamentalists in the world, and I confess to being none of them.)

³ Energy efficiency and burnout considerations:

        My muscles generally have rarely tired from doing massage, even after 4 or 5 sessions (1.5 hours each). [I wrote that 10+ years ago. Let's make that '3 sessions' now (2007)] Much of this due to my having done construction work for 10 years prior to doing this work. Yet, I believe it's just as due to my physical focus not being on strength-related aspects, but on bio-mechanical aspects. We were taught the principles of Tai Chi, which is nothing if not efficient use of energy. I also make a game of seeing how few muscles and/or muscle energy I can use to accomplish the task in the most efficient and proficient way. I actually first learned this when shoveling creek rock at a construction site eight to ten hours a day for a week (partly because my mind is the type that is happiest with something to consciously focus on). By the 3rd day I had a rhythm, and a method of breathing and movement that allowed continuous and accurate shovelings of rock up to 20 feet away, practically non-stop (eg: for hours. And this was probably my first introduction to understanding the power of focused breathing and the science of yoga). So when I do get tired it is more the result of what I'm doing (or not doing) with my emotional body, empathy, and "cordings." [*Cords* are empathic or psychic connections to other people. Most people are unaware of them. The most common example is a mother's connection to her son or daughter. Twins often have such cords. But more subtle are those between mates and lovers, and anyone you have strong emotional connections with - including with people in ones past who are not (consciously) thought about anymore. That includes both positive and negative emotions. And that's why sometimes it's good to become aware of these cords and to cut or attinuate some of them. However, most people don't know these even exist. There are techniques and systems for dealing with them, in case you wondered. I will send you a few (instructive essays) if you email me and ask.] .

 

Quick "Personal Ad" Type Summary

          INFJ or ENFJ would be my Myers/Briggs personality type if you know about that. It's as common as the Cardinal Cross symetrically overlain with the Grand Trine in my astrology chart (Capricorn Sun, Sag Rising, Aries Moon). I'm capable of looking at things from many viewpoints, yet also very much "in my body." Accomplished in many intellectual pursuits, yet can also be fairly present with feelings. Also very intuitive. And I never brag. HA! Well, hell, this is a personal ad, right? Ok, then... as I was saying (heheh)... Yeah, I know I have my weakpoints and liabilities. I'm fairly aware of my ego (or my inner child) and can also be aware of same in others, 'tho' I don't want to be my partner's therapist. Co-nurturer? yes. Friend? yes. Your only friend? No.
          Was that my 'bad' sense of humor? I know the value of play as well as of work. Once I let down I and am with someone that I enjoy, then I enjoy finding out what she likes in another's presence. And if that still falls in the realm of "natural," or in fun play acting (I can do a few imitations, sometimes a parady of comical extremes or attitudes) then I can often have fun providing that. That developed partly because I'm not being afraid to share deeply, I've learned to keep abreast of what might come across as too deep or intense for someone at any given time. Was also due to my wanting to be an interesting (vs boring) dad to my daughter when she was growing up, and at that time, I was becoming aware that my limited conversational skills were a bit too focused on facts.
          For those who DO enjoy deep discussion, or when they do, I can enjoy discussion around how one defines and lives such concepts as presence, sensitivity, courage, awareness, empathy, FUN, balance, maturity, and responsibility. Saying that is not saying I'm "an expert" on any of the above, but that it's very helpful (maybe essential) to know how to interpret what another says and means in order to come to understand that person. Granted, discussing ALL of that in one evening may get in the way of various fun pursuits, but over time all those areas are parts of the picture that puts everything else in context (IMHO). At my political page are what I call 'constructive extrapolations' of my my own sense of values, "issues," and the psychology around that onto socio-political situations. An example of that includes "Trends, Memory, Tracking, Credibility, and Forgiveness - Oh, and Trust (or 'Discrimination, Whether, When, or How to have Expectations of Accountability')."

More about YOU (compatibles): You enjoy your body as well as your mind. And your Spirit is always a part of it all. Your work is likely about helping others be present with others or with the planet, or both. And while you may not realise that you provide that for others, you would know those two capabilities are related if I were to ask you. You would be honest and direct enough, yet kind enough, to tell me if you didn't appreciate my singing in the shower after making love with you. You'd like your lover to also be your friend, although you may not have a tremendous amount of faith in finding both of those in the same person. You like staying in shape - probably because you enjoy feeling your energy flowing in play as well as in work - likely because you are aware that have things to accomplish this lifetime, as well as more places or realms (including within yourself) to discover.           Nightlife hangouts is more my area of lackspertise than expertise. Yes I made that up. Creativity is my friend. But I digress... Home movies are my friend. And I know more about places to walk or hike than to dance (although I do enjoy dancing, although I don't know "steps"). I know more about beaches to enjoy (and play drums at) than nightclubs. I know a few good places to eat, not a list. But I'm open to learning and exploring, as well as to holding you and learning who you are and what you like.

Chris Pringer '08